Saying NO. In a nice way and feeling OK about it.
March 15, 2024
CONSUME CREATIVELY
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Saying NO. In a nice way and feeling OK about it.
How are you at saying, “No”?
I’ll be honest, it took birthing two kids and attempting to run a business at the same time for me to get my head on straight and master my ‘no’ game.
See, ‘yes’ can be a dangerous game for a busy lady. Each yes has to align with my priorities.
‘Yes’ is about putting my energy where it matters most.
‘No’ is about protecting that energy for the next opportunity to say ‘yes’.
So really…No is its buddy Yes’s superhero!
In this post, Stacy, a self-proclaimed yes-gal, and I turn the tables on the guilt of ‘no’. Talking through our internal dialogue, and how we reason our way to the answer that uses our energy where it counts. Giving tips on:
- The consequences of yes
- The art of saying no nicely
- Strategies for feeling OK about saying no
- Dealing with negative feedback from your decision to say no
How ‘No’ is ‘Yes’s’ superhero.
Before we dig into the nitty gritty of how to say no, it’s important to know why using ‘no’ is such a powerful tool.
No sets boundaries. So Yes can and come play!
No sets boundaries and allows you to protect your time. Time is our biggest asset. And giving yourself the option of saying no will protect you time for the things that are really important to you. When you say no to one thing you open the door to say yes to another!
No right now ≠ no forever.
Just because you say no now, it doesn’t mean you’re saying no forever. If saying no is difficult for you, or if it’s something you really would like to do but you just can’t do it right now, phrase your refusal (we’ll get to that in a minute) to make that clear and save the opportunity for a future yes.
No protects your energy so you can put yes where it matters most to you.
Even if you do have the time to make a commitment, you might not have the energy. When my children were small I only had enough energy to be present for them at home and for my team at work. I did not have the energy for external commitments. I could have hired a sitter, but even with a sitter I still would have felt drained and over extended from additional commitments.
To protect my energy, I quit all my networking groups, except for one, and I stopped scheduling events to promote my company unless it was to a concentrated audience of qualified prospects. As my children are becoming more independent I am reevaluating those types of commitments again to determine if they will help boost my energy or still just draw energy away from what matters most.
The Consequences of Yes
If you’re a yes-human (and you know I’m a recovering yes-gal), consider the consequences of saying yes.
Saying yes to every request can lead to burnout and resentment.
Saying yes can give you an immediate hit of energy! I know it does for me. I love the beginning of a project and I love doing new things. Over time though when I take on too many things I get disorganized and frustrated. And if you’re like me, a teensy bit of a perfectionist, you can end up resenting all the auxiliary responsibilities and even the teammates who depend on you because it feels like you’re doing it all.
Saying yes can stretch you thin and impact your overall well being.
A serial yes-human often ends up having to work longer hours to keep all of their commitments. And what once brought you joy now just makes you want to quit and take a nap.
Saying yes can compromise work quality.
As a recovering perfectionist, low work quality hits me hard. When I’ve over-extended myself, I have to quadruple check my work because I miss the little details. I send emails without attachments, riddled with spelling errors, and just all out forget things that end up costing me money.
There are literally not enough to do lists and reminders to allow a serial yes-human to fulfill all of the responsibilities they’ve taken on without dropping the ball somewhere. There’s nothing worse than having to call someone who depends on you and tell them it’s your fault their universe is exploding. It makes the whole idea of saying yes feel waaaay less fun. Ask me how I know…
Ok enough of the bad news…Now that we know what makes yes so sticky, let’s get into the implementation of your “no.”
The Art of Saying No Nicely
As you’re saying no to tasks, events, employees, committees and opportunities, it doesn’t have to be confrontational or rude, but ignoring it is not an option.
Don’t drag it along.
Kind of like an apology, a no is best delivered in a timely manner. Waiting too long to deliver your refusal leaves the conversation in limbo. Leaving the person asking in limbo as well, which is disrespectful of their time and energy, forcing them to follow up and ask again and again hoping for your yes. Delivering your no quickly and respectfully allows them to refocus and move on to plan B.
Communicate politely.
‘No thank you’ always feels better than ‘no’. So keep your refusals polite, empathetic, professional and warm.
💪 Here’s a trick: If you’re really having a hard time writing or communicating a no, explain the situation to ChatGPT and ask it to craft a professional, warm refusal note for you. Then edit it from there.
Express gratitude for the opportunity.
Thanking someone for thinking of you and considering you a valuable asset for their task goes a long way. It’s not always easy to ask for help or involvement. Heck, the person asking may be nervous about asking. They may have labored over the exact right way to approach you for hours! So showing them you find value in the opportunity and expressing gratitude, even though you’re not accepting it right now, can give them a little boost to ask another person with the hope of getting the yes they need.
Share a brief explanation.
Not all refusals need an explanation.
But sometimes when you’re delivering a ‘no’ to a close associate or someone who has aided you in the past, it hurts your heart to not be able to say yes. In those instances including a brief explanation of why you’re refusing helps keep your valued relationship intact by allowing them to better understand your situation.
Even in the cases when you feel an explanation is warranted, you don’t have to over justify or write a super personal lengthy apology letter. Keep it brief, warm, and general.
Nice “no” examples:
- Thank you so much for thinking of me. While I appreciate the opportunity, I’m afraid I won’t be able to take on [the task/project/event] at this time.
- I’m honored that you would consider me for [the opportunity]. Unfortunately, my current commitments prevent me from dedicating the time and attention it deserves.
- I’m grateful for the offer, but after careful consideration, I’ve decided to pass on [the opportunity].
- I truly appreciate the invitation, but I have to respectfully decline due to prior commitments.
- Thank you for extending [the offer] to me. Regrettably, I have to decline as I need to focus on other priorities at this time.
- I’m flattered by your offer, but I’m currently unable to take on any additional responsibilities.
- I’ve given your offer serious thought, and while it’s tempting, I have to decline in order to maintain my current workload.
- I appreciate your understanding. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to participate in [the opportunity] due to conflicting obligations.
- Thank you for considering me for [the opportunity]. At this time, I need to prioritize other commitments, so I must decline.
- Thank you so much for thinking of me for [offer], I appreciate the opportunity, unfortunately, it doesn’t fit into our current [marketing/business] plan. Can you reach back out next year, because I would like to be reminded and consider it again.
Feeling OK About Saying No
If you are a yes-human, saying no and feeling okay about it will require a bit of positive internal dialogue to keep you strong and focused on your next ‘yes’ instead of lamenting the ‘no’ at hand.
Outline your non-negotiables and stand strong!
If you set your non-negotiables, and you don’t abide by them and respect your own boundaries, they’re not non-negotiables anymore. If you don’t respect them, others won’t either.
Set REALISTIC non-negotables.
Just like SMART goals, your reasons for saying yes or no should be realistic. The objective is to set non-negotiables that you will actually be able to hold yourself to. You WANT to be able to stand strong and an unrealistic boundary can topple your resolve.
Saying “I’m never going to eat a piece of chocolate again” is pretty unrealistic in my world. Just as saying as we transition to a 4-day work week I will never work more than 8 hours a day or work 5 days a week again is also unrealistic.
💪 Here’s a trick: If you have a hard time respecting your non-negotiables, consider writing why it’s important three to five times, giving a different example each time. Once you get the first two fluffy answers out of the way, you’ll dig deeper into why this truly is a non-negotiable for you and those reasons should be sticky enough for you to stand strong! If you can’t think of at least 3 reasons, maybe it’s not a true non-negotiable for you!
Saying no is a form of self-care, not selfishness.
Don’t beat yourself up about it! You need to do what’s best for you or you won’t be able to give your energy to others!
☀️For example: For each project, we set a deadline for clients to deliver the needed assets to build their websites. If the assets aren’t delivered by the deadline they understand their project start and end date will move back to the next available spot in our workload. Which could be weeks or months in the future.
By holding firm on this boundary we protect the time and the energy of our team and all our projects and clients. Making sure their work is completed on time without forcing the team to work overtime. If we said yes to a client who didn’t submit their assets when they were due and started the site anyway, we would end up telling them no in the future. Because, since we don’t have their assets, the site would be unable to be completed on our 3 week timeline.
So by saying no to one client who didn’t meet their deadline, the MayeCreate team can better take care of ourselves and all of our other clients.
Saying no isn’t wishing ill will, it’s wishing them well.
Don’t confuse saying no with wishing ill will upon people. You don’t want anything bad to happen to them. It’s just that the situation or service isn’t right for you anymore. And that’s OK. They deserve to work with someone who it IS right for.
Dealing with Negative Feedback
Just as saying ‘yes’ has its consequences, saying no, even politely, isn’t always smooth sailing. Not everyone will react positively to your decision to say no. Especially if you’re known for saying yes!
Consider the fall out and do the legwork.
If you can’t be the committee chair, do you know someone who would be a good fit? Ask around and do the legwork to make the no into a no-and-yes!
Unfortunately, bigger no’s often have a larger fall out. For example, when you let an employee go, they no longer have a form of income. If you choose to discontinue a service line in your business, your clients no longer have a service provider.
Choosing to fire an employee or discontinue a service line are not things you do on a whim, you likely agonized over them for weeks if not months. So before giving the final notification, do the leg work on their behalf to soften the impact of your decision.
Doing the legwork to support employees.
Before letting an employee go review your financials and investigate if you can give them a severance pay or continue paying their insurance for a few months until they find a new job. At the very least you can offer them a letter of recommendation.
If you really value the employee and they’ve done an amazing job for you, but you just don’t have a place for them anymore in your new company structure, ask around to other business owners and see if they have job opportunities that might fit their skill set.
☀️For example: When MayeCreate discontinued our social media services, our clients didn’t have anybody to do social media for them…AND the person who did their social media no longer had a job with us. We negotiated with our soon to be former employee to pass along her information as a solution with a strong recommendation to encourage clients to work with her for their social media needs.
Doing the legwork to support clients.
If you are discontinuing a service, interview other local service providers and learn about their pricing plans. Then consult with your clients to help them choose the provider that will best meet their needs.
Even though you will no longer be providing the service to that client you don’t want to blow up the relationship. You want their last interaction with you to be one of support and confidence so that they will refer business to you for your remaining product and service lines. Doing the legwork to ease their service transition keeps them feeling in control and confident in your abilities.
Empathize.
When someone is angry or emotionally charged due to your no, empathy can be a very powerful tool in your toolbox.
In my experience, frustrated clients expect me to respond to their anger with a yes, indifference, or reciprocal anger. I find that it’s easiest to disarm the negative energy by explaining I agree it’s a crappy situation, if I could make it different I would. Then transition to explaining the ways I’m willing to help ease the fall out.
Empathizing is not the same thing as apologizing.
You don’t have to apologize for your decisions, you don’t have to justify them either. You can however let people know you understand the situation is difficult for them and you are willing to remedy the situation in the ways that meet your non-negotiables.
Holding fast = respect down the road.
By holding fast and maintaining your original decision you will often earn the respect of the person you’re working with.
At times, as we’ve brought on new project managers at MayeCreate, clients occasionally push back on the new project manager trying to get their way even though they know what they’re asking for is against our policies.
In those instances, I counsel the project manager through the situation while maintaining them as the main point of contact. If I immediately charge in as their boss and handle the situation it can undermine the project manager’s authority to uphold our policies. By allowing the project manager to manage the situation and hold fast in our policies, it establishes their role in our company as a reliable communicator and builds trust with the client.
The good news is, each and every time this has happened, it has built a strong foundation for the relationship between the new project manager and the client. And they work together with no weirdness for years to come!
Say no now to keep your yes options open!
If you’re feeling iffy about saying no, take a step back, check in with yourself. Are you sticking to your goals and values? Because that’s where your ‘no’ should come from.
If you check in and the answer is still no, you are absolutely doing the right thing, not just for you but for the other entity involved as well. They are going to be in a better spot, and you’re going to be in a better spot, because they will find the right person for the opportunity and you can invest your energy where it matters most.
If you liked this, check out our other episodes on mindset!
Who Manifested This Madness?
This fabulous human, that's who.
Monica Maye Pitts
Monica is the creative force and founder of MayeCreate. She has a Bachelor of Science in Agriculture with an emphasis in Economics, Education and Plant Science from the University of Missouri. Monica possesses a rare combination of design savvy and technological know-how. Her clients know this quite well. Her passion for making friends and helping businesses grow gives her the skills she needs to make sure that each client, or friend, gets the attention and service he or she deserves.
